Wednesday, January 14, 2009

SPOTTED: lesbian bartender!

who: lesbian bartender

what: a moderately attractive hipster-y, rock-ish, scary-kinda lesbian in her late 20s/early 30s. her perfectly and perfectly disheveled hair, clothes, general demeanor, attitude and aura. the subject works at a fun, dark and dirty bar in recently-awesome downtown los angeles, and was the only bartender working at the time. her behavior was closely monitored, although it was quickly obvious that her actions were limited to grabbing the occasional beer and chatting with the regulars.

when: sunday jan 11, 3:00pm

where: bar 107, LA, CA

how: lesbian bartender was spotted following an intense ice skating session in the middle of a january heat wave, so the other observers and i were rather excited to grab a sunday afternoon beer (my initial instinct was to order champagne, but due to the recent economic climate, i settled for a newcastle, aka "the poor lesbian's champagne.").  one of my companions, JB, is sapphically-inclined and instantly confirmed the sighting. this is the first time a sighting has been confirmed.

notes: i really wanted to like this lesbian. i really wanted her to be nice, and fun, and coooooool... but i kinda got the feeling that she wasn't. in fact, were i not so kind and understanding and able to intuit that she was just tired and cranky (she did look a little drag-ass), i'd venture to say that she was kinda a bitch (F-U, lady). the specimen's temperament was unpleasant, but i'm sure she has other redeemable qualities.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

SPOTTED: new couple alert!

who: recently-met-contemplating-uhaul*-lesbian couple

what: two lesbians in their late 20s, neither of whom rated higher than a 7 on the proverbial "gayometer." together, they were in the awkwardly-still-kinda-pretending-to-be-cooler-nicer-and-smarter-than-you-really-are stage. the pair were out on a post-coital quest for food, both still thinking of and agonizing over their misguided drunken fumbling and self-perceived sexual inadequacies from the night before, while still trying to look cute and impress each other with an impressive knowledge of french rococo furniture. 

when: sunday jan 11, 2009, 12:03pm

where: EAT cafe, north hollywood, ca

how: awkward couple was encountered on the way out the door. they had arrived, bleary-eyed, and spoke quietly in the corner while they waited for a table. my brother (a resident of san francisco and therefore a self-proclaimed expert on all-things-gay) immediately asked me if i thought they were lesbians. i admired his quick eye and affirmed his suspicions. 

notes: although i wish this young couple nothing but the best, i don't have high hopes for their future, as one of the lovebirds was considerably more attractive than the other. 

*for those not of the lesbian persuasion, i present the lesbian term of the day. to u-haul refers to the lesbian tendency to fall obsessively in love and move in with each other, usually within a matter of weeks (if that).

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

SPOTTED: poorly dressed-bian

who: a poorly dressed lesbian, seemingly stuck in 1992

what: a woman in her mid-late 20s, cursed with a donut-shaped body and a manly gait. her long, stringy hair was pulled back into a low and unassuming ponytail, and her black faux-leather jacket, oversized jeans and ratty motorcycle boots indicate that she's the type of woman who knows her way around a bar brawl and has busted a few skulls against a jukebox or two. however, at the risk of painting this woman as a cool-as-the-fonz type, let me stress: this woman's "badass" look did not come across very well; in fact, she was dressed in clothes so horribly reminiscent of the early '90s that she could have easily been cast in the role of "overweight unattractive lesbian asskicker" in everyone's favorite coming of age story, reality bites.

when: thursday, jan 8, 12:46pm

where: in front of m. fredrick, encino mini mall, encino ca

how: subject was encountered following a trip to the bank. her eau de lesbian was rather overwhelming, yet i'm forced to admit she may have been exuding the very similar scent of "misguided heavyset straight woman who severely needs a haircut, session with a personal trainer and some quality time with a therapist who will teach her the meaning of self-love."

notes: despite a potential miscategorization, i feel confident that the subject at hand is indeed, a poorly dressed-bian. even if she's not, i can guarantee that she's no super-straighty. if anything, she's probably asexual, with sapphic tendencies. i'm not quite sure how kinsey would report on her.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

SPOTTED: post office lesbo

who: liz, a USPS employee

what: a large lady-lover in her 50s, with short, gray curly hair and a smile as wide as the grand canyon. she's rather dashing in her postal service uniform, and a collection of keys jangle as she walks. she's rather brusque and no-nonsense, but seems unlikely to "go postal" anytime soon.

when: tuesday jan 6, 2:14pm

where: USPS periodical mailing department, van nuys

how: i encounter the subject once a month on a work errand, and typically, our time spent together is brief. on occasion, we chat amicably, but liz's devotion to her job and her country prevent her from dilly-dallying too much.

notes: liz is an unconfirmed lesbian, but i have noticed that she carries herself with a certain uber gay je ne sais quoi. perhaps it's her apparent disinterest in her handsome male coworkers, although i am forced to concede to the possibility that she's a faithfully (hetero) married woman. ah, liz, will i ever know the truth? there's always next month...

SPOTTED: middle aged couple lesbos

who: two lesbos in their 50s, large and in charge.
what: an older lesbian couple, who could be considered nothing less than the opposite of the nubile sapphically-inclined lilo/samro pairing. conversation was overheard regarding a new duvet for their marital bed (please not this term is used figuratively, as lesbians in california may no longer marry. thanks, prop 8!). one half of the couple, whom we shall call "bessie," was wearing flannel. the other, "gena," wore an oversized t-shirt and high waisted denim. specimens exhibit classic middle aged lesbo markings and behavior.

when: 6:03pm, monday jan 5

where: target sherman oaks

how: middle aged couple lesbos were easily identifiable. however, the great bedding discussion of 2009 offers conclusive evidence that these two are, in fact, middle aged couple lesbos.

notes: in order to ensure that i was not miscategorizing the subjects, it was imperative that i eavesdropped. while they talked, i listened and pretended to consider several hideous sheet sets and one zebra print pillow decorated with a ridiculous amount of feathers. as a dedicated observer of the lesbian species, these steps were necessary.

Monday, January 5, 2009

SPOTTED: gym lesbo

who: gym lesbo

what: 30s, boyishly attractive and wearing cammo army shorts on the stair climber. 99% liklihood that she is a literary agent, based on her sweaty scent of paper and ink.

when: 6:59am, monday jan 5

where: LA fitness, van nuys

how: gym lesbo was instantly recognizable as such. distinguishing features included lesbian haircut, chunky plastic glasses and lumberjack-like swagger.

notes: gym lesbo is an infrequent visitor to the LA fitness. subject has been spotted before, but not recently. i will be on the lookout for future encounters.

the mission

i, rachel morgan, creator of SPARKLEIZE, am proud to introduce my newest venture, the lesbian log! the sole purpose of this log is to report when, where and under what circumstances i encounter lesbians in los angeles. obviously, this is rather useless information. however, in the face of an economic crisis, corrupt politicians running amok and bombs blowing people up all over the place, don't we need something mindless and fun?

you're welcome in advance.